La Pesadez de Las Memorias

(By John)

The Weight of Memories 1

There they are
They inhabit you
They are you. Or at least they were you.
An imperfect archive of variable retrievability recalled on their own timetable
whether you want them or not
Presented before you with their own acuity, their own specifics

They could be from anywhere
Moments from communities of friends that have moved on

A tradition of backpacking adventures and the acute moments that remain to recall themselves:

• The strange characters such as Luther, the ex-con, who did not have to try hard to be disturbing, quoting movies and adding his own lines, 'What we have here is a failure to communicate', quoting a famous line before adding his own riff... 'now pick me up that ballbat and I´ll fix things up here right quick´.

Or

• A snapshot from a rest break on a night hike:
ensconced in a small rock shelter overlooking the expanse of valleys below—the stars commandeering attention. 'Hey! Check that out! Isn´t that Andromeda?' The open sky serving to set loose thoughts to land on any topic and tarry there for a while, imagining, sharing, enthusing

But where are the rest of those trips?
Or the other ones?
What is the mix of factors making these moments indelible and buoyant enough to surface from inactivity from time to time?

Richness abounds from having these memories, but there is also a loss in having them
They have their own weight
The moments are gone
They were so special, even if—as sometimes is the case—only in retrospect

May there be more of them


















The Weight of Memories #2

Further, deeper
More meaning, more mixed feelings
More complexities, inter-locking layers.
Strains on the actual moment of the present
For all that has come before

Zombie-fied, walking in a nebulous state of suspension from reality
Displaced to another realm from which one simultaneously observes and experiences
Almost experiences, but not quite, the present precisely because of the weight of the past

The weight of memories

So very pleased for what has been
while
squeezing out tears for having said goodbye to those “beens” or the people with which the “beens” were had
while
so very excited scared reluctant over what is to come
while because
cognizant that goodbyes for what is to come will come soon enough
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ok. A bit of an explanation. These two pieces are attempts to capture some of the emotions and memories that unexpectedly hit me just about as soon as we arrived in El Salvador.

From the very start of our service here, I noted how I found myself reflecting on things—periods of time, groups of friends, events, activities—from the past that I had not thought about in a long time if ever at all. I was struck by how "gone for good" those times seemed as I reflected on them. As if I had crossed some sort of line--in coming here--after which the circumstances creating those situations could never be returned to.

And of course, now that I am nearing the end of my service here in El Salvador, I, of course, am reflecting on my time here.

Perhaps this is a normal peer reviewed “life stage” that has been analyzed up and down. Heck, the older you get, the more there is to look back on. Nonetheless, it would be hard to think this is merely some normal stage and that moving here did not trigger or facilitate such reflection. Or perhaps recent o upcoming large changes in life naturally trigger reflective periods.

Either way, I tried to capture the great joy I have had in reflecting on and reliving these moments as well as the sorrow experienced for having to let these moments go as well.